Stop Asking People If You Can “Pick Their Brains.” Pick Your Own.
Photo by Nicolai Perjesi Photography
When you get far enough into your career, or at least experience a level of success that makes parents talk about you proudly with so-and-so from church, then something interesting happens: Strangers ask if they can take you out for coffee. It’s not just about giving you a buzz so that you can continue to build upon your success, even though that’s a fringe benefit. Asking you out for coffee is about one thing, and one thing only: They want to pick your brain.
I don’t know where this phrase came from or why it’s so ubiquitous. I’m sure a contestant on Jeopardy! could tell me about its origins, and their mother is very happy to share that acquiring such a tidbit helped her kid earn $5,760 in half an hour’s time. All I can say about this phrase is that it’s strange. It’s strange all around. The first thing I think about when I hear “picking brains” is just that, and I consider what tools we’re using and how exactly we got into such a position. Whose brain is it, do we know them, who is driving the getaway car? But when I consider “picking brains” more figuratively, not literally, the act of doing so is not appealing, either.
It’s not that I want to gatekeep my knowledge. In fact, if I have any, I tend to share it without the free brew on social media, despite my friends’ urging not to. And not for nothing, but I take my coffee black, so my order is usually economical for all involved and rarely beats what I make at home.
I don’t like the “pick your brain” exchange simply because it doesn’t work.
Here’s what I mean: My career path is not your career path. My brain is not your brain. We could be asked to apply to the same job, at the same time, with the same stipulations for completing it, and we’re going to go about it differently. If we have the same job — and I’ve been in plenty positions where I have a nearly identical title to my coworkers—then we’re going to approach the work in the ways we see fit. So when you come to pick my brain, and try to figure out how to use my views to fit your perspective, it’s probably just going to confuse you.
If you have an idea about where you want your life to go, the worst thing you can do is ask people on a similar path to tell you where to go next. Instead, follow your gut. Advice only comes in handy for details that are more universal: saving an emergency fund, whether to apply for a business loan, how to use a semicolon properly, the best way to shake someone’s hand, and so on. (Shaking someone’s hand may seem subjective, but then someone shakes your hand so awkwardly that you wonder what just happened.)
In other words, if you’re asking someone if you should pursue a business idea or how to go about it, stop it. Go for it however you feel is best, but only after considering your idea from multiple angles and not fiddling with any finances until you have a plan.
It’s exciting to want to start something new. You feel compelled to tell everyone, so it’s understandable to think that the wisest way to get going is to speak to someone who has been in your shoes. But they’ll never be in your shoes, not entirely. The only way to really make the most of an idea is to keep it to yourself, grow it steadily, and tend to it as your own enterprise — because that’s what it is. Even if it grows beyond your wildest dreams, that’s what it will always be.
And then when your idea blossoms and someone asks you if they could pick your brain, tell them the truth: They should build up the confidence they need to pick their own.
